Episode #4 of The RuleBook: Dating Rules. I asked you guys what you wanted me to do an episode on and you voted for dating rules.
I said it once and I’ll say it again this is not a dating podcast but nothing is off limits so let’s get into it. The gloves are off.
I rapid fired some dating rules I have on Instagram this week and I’ll repeat them here.
1. Don’t date someone outside your borough – long distance relationships never work.
2. If a guy says you’re the only funny girl he’s ever met – he’s lying – other funny women exist and if he can’t see that he’s missing out.
3. If he doesn’t pick you up for your date – wear your sneakers –because he’s just a friend.
4. If a guy says he’s picky – he’s probably emotionally unavailable – he’s going to find something wrong with you faster than a health inspector at a dirty restaurant.
These are just some of my dating rules, but when I was thinking about which rule I’d use for this episode I decided to go with a more practical rule.
Rule #4 The first date will tell you everything you need to know and learning to trust your instincts is the only dating rule you need.
I chose this rule because I think we don’t trust our own instincts enough. Most of us put on rose colored glasses when it comes to dating and all the red flags turn pink. But if we had just been honest with ourselves in the first place we wouldn’t even be in the toxic messes we sometimes find ourselves in.
I went on many first dates that should’ve been last dates. I didn’t want to do a dating podcast episode because I look back at my own dating history and cringe. I feel like the person I was in my 20's put up with tons of shit she could’ve avoided and it’s a little embarrassing but you know I’m the queen of learning everything the hard way so it’s on brand.
First dates especially can be challenging because you want to be optimistic and you want things to go smoothly so you put your best foot forward to make a good impression. At least that’s what some of us do. I remember going on dates with guys who were not putting their best foot forward or giving me next to nothing, not asking me questions or letting me move the conversation forward on my own or worse being overly flirty and those are all big red flags. If a guy was actually putting in energy and effort to get to know you, he wouldn’t be risking you losing interest by either being too forward or not engaging with you enough.
When I would have dates like these, the kind where the other person is barely there, the people pleaser in me would go into overdrive. I was like I can save this sinking ship by being charming as fuck because when I was younger I was obsessed with validation and it didn’t matter who I got it from. I'd honestly go on dates and charm myself. I'd be funny and talkative and end up having a great time because I made the best out of it, but really I was overly concerned with my date liking me so much so that I didn’t even stop and ask myself if I liked him, and most of the time I really didn’t. What I liked was my ability to make someone else laugh because that’s just who I am. And it would make me miss the fact that joe schmo over there was doing next to nothing and probably didn’t deserve a second date. Because I didn’t trust myself I couldn’t trust my instincts hence a series of unfortunate events.
A first date example that’s really standing out to me is one from a few years ago.
I went out with this guy and on our date he was barely talking to me. He seemed to be in a bad mood or just tired and I asked him about it. I think he said he was just feeling low energy that night. I wondered why the hell he didn’t just reschedule then. I guess he figured he could show up as not his best self and I'd be cool with that (LOL the audacity) And since he had openly admitted to being low energy and not wanting to do too much work I took the bait and worked hard to change his mood. And guess what I ended up dating him for eight months. UGH! I processed that relationship now and realize I probably should've matched his low energy when we first went out so I could've saved myself a painful eight months!
I think him letting me know he wasn’t going to force himself to pull it together for the first date was him letting me know he wasn't going to be able to pull it together for the relationship either. And spoiler alert - he wasn't. He may have a totally different opinion of our first date if you ask him, and I did have a lot of good conversations with him in the eight months we dated, but obviously it didn't work out.
I have another dating story that's sticking out in my memory. I went on a first date with someone from a dating app who suggested we go for a dog walk. When I saw him standing on the corner I immediately knew it was a first date only situation. I say this because he didn’t look like his photo since he used a vintage one of himself on his profile. But really the fact that we were both okay with going on a dog walk as our "date" spoke volumes about our level of interest in one another. The whole thing was very low effort. I realize now that I never should've accepted because it already told me everything I needed to know. This guy was willing to invest a whole 20 minutes in getting to know me - I say this sarcastically. In 20 minutes what can you really find out about a person? Other than the obvious, do you find them attractive or not. But I'm not blaming him only, I accepted his low ball offer. We clearly were both unavailable in some capacity. I think we shook hands at the end, which makes me laugh because it's so awkward but good for us for realizing quickly it was a "NO for us dog" pun intended. Although the dog walk date didn’t even technically need to happen it made me delete the dating app I was on so a WIN is a WIN.
Overall dating is complicated, putting yourself out there, and meeting new people is hard work because it's vulnerable. And nine times out of ten a date doesn’t go as planned. But if you are going to go through all that effort to show up and put your best foot forward make sure your standards are high. And the easiest way to do that is to trust your gut because if something feels off that’s because it is! At the first sign of an ick you have to exit stage left simply because life is too short to spend it with the wrong people, trust me!
So go date, match energies, don’t ignore red flags and watch how much easier it becomes. And who knows maybe you'll find someone you actually like!
Thank you for listening to episode #4 of The RuleBook!
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Bye guys!
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